babbles

Bencinya bila rindu Ibak. Semua benda yang aku nampak org lain buat dgn ayah diorang aku jadi sedih sangat sangat. Aku taknak jadi org yang tak terima takdir. Aku terima. Aku accept the fact that aku ni dah takde ayah. salah ke untuk rasa jealous dgn org yg ada ayah ? Aku tak sempat nak experience banyak dgn Ibak. Aku teringin nak jumpa Ibak lagi. Tapi aku taktahu bila Allah nak tarik nyawa aku. bila Allah nak kasi aku jumpa Ibak. sesiapa yang baca ni, doakan ibak datang jumpa aku dalam mimpi malam ni okay ? I'd love to have a conversation with him.

Everything seems so gloomy these days. nothing really makes me happy. like truly happy. I'm just happy for you but not for myself. People are hurting me without realizing it. They thought I smile because I'm fine with it. They thought I laugh because it was really funny. Little did they know I smile because its easier. I laugh because it was something everyone else was laughing about. They don't know the pain I felt. They don't know what it feels like having to witness everything I don't want to see. They don't know how much energy it took to even smile. They don't know how badly I was hurt. I wasn't myself this few days but no one noticed. I want to go away. I don't belong here. I can't fit in. I thought I have people who understands me but no I was wrong. I never have anybody. Even when I thought I could rely on you, you let me down. but its okay. it is my fault. I get my hopes up too high all the time.

I love your laugh. I really do. I like it when you are laughing. I am happy seeing you happy. Even if I'm not the reason behind it. And because I know I can never be able to make you laugh like that, I know I can never make you smile the way you did, I have to bear the pain of seeing someone else making you smile. Someone else is making you happy. I should be thankful because that someone is allowing me to see that smile. I have always love that smile of yours. I'm supposed to be the one who did that. I'm supposed to be the reason for that beautiful smile. I want to be but I'm not cuz I can't. But I guess it's okay. As long as you are smiling. As long as you are happy. I can't believe I'm saying this but I guess your happiness and your smile and your laugh really are the reasons for me to smile jugak.

I've been told that it is unethical for me to write stuffs about my study or what the lecturers said and I guess I shouldn't mention the most hateful subject too. haha. have fun guessing.
This is killing me like seriously how can anyone survive through this ?
okay I might have exaggerated that a little but seriously this is like the hardest subject ever ! I'd rather take intro to law again. tak tipu.
Why can't I just skip my life and wake up one day with millions in my account and a husband ? *insert laughter*
*sigh* I don't want to disappoint ummi with my grade nanti but I just don't think I can do this *cries*
Pay for me. I mean pray for me. and for everyone who's taking this subject.
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